Daleks Don't Like Incest
by A. R. Tinromen
Summary: Some Daleks come to help the Assassins kill the Borgias because Daleks don't like incest... then the Doctor and Rose get involved, and there are ninjas and tangerines... Crack!fic


**A/N: This is a crack story written by my lovely friend Anastazia and myself over 2 years ago. Anastazia, unlike me, actually writes awesome non-crack stories under the penname 'Anya Fira'; go check her out!**

**Warning: **This was written under the unrelenting pressure of pure boredom. Proceed with caution.

**Disclaimer: This film has been altered from its original version and has been formatted to fit your screen. Under the Federal Bureau of Investigation, punishments entailing up to a $250,000 fine or 16 years in prison may be enforced for believing any part of this is actually owned by any big media corporation.**

**~~~Doctor Who~~~Assassin's Creed~~~Doctor Who~~~Assassin's Creed~~~**

One day the Daleks decided to attack Rome in 1500.

This really confused the Assassins because the strange, pepper pot shaped extraterrestrials seemed to want to help them kill the Borgias… or, at least, that's what the Assassins deduced from the frequent use of the word "exterminate".

But then the Assassins realized that the Daleks were just targeting psychos who were sleeping with their own relatives. (They were special Daleks that had been genetically modified to target people in incestuous relationships.)

**Anastazia: **Incest is disgusting…

So the Assassins and the Daleks formed an alliance and went happily about Rome, killing creepy, incestuous Borgias as they went.

Now, the reason the Doctor and Rose hadn't shown up yet was because they had recently received a Wii from Santa Claus, and were recovering from extreme fatigue caused by excessive play of Just Dance II. They were also suffering from major Mountain Dew hangovers.

The TARDIS, luckily, was paying attention to all the timey-wimey events, and noticed the Daleks in Rome. Since its occupants were passed out and unable to do anything, the TARDIS directed herself to Rome in 1500.

The Doctor and Rose finally got up from the game room floor when the TARDIS landed with a rather impressive crash.

When the Doctor realized where they were, and the time period they were in, he became instantly alert, despite his debilitating Mountain Dew hangover. However, he was not being watchful because of the Assassins (of whom he was fully aware), but because he was worried that Rose would find a hot Italian guy and leave him.

Rose did indeed find a hot Italian guy, but the circumstances were not exactly conducive to starting a relationship as he was jumping off a rooftop to assassinate a Borgian guard. Then a Dalek jumped off the roof after him.

This situation was good for Rose and the Doctor as the guard was threatening them, but bad for the Dalek because Rose killed it with a tangerine she had in her pocket. Then the Assassin, the infamous/famous Ezio, got mad at Rose for killing his Dalek buddy, but the Doctor gave a rather long-winded version of his sordid history with Daleks and Ezio came to believe that maybe his alliance with the pepper pot aliens wasn't such a good idea.

Ezio then tried to take his mind off the situation by flirting with Rose, but the Doctor got super jealous (because we all know the Doctor and Rose belong together) and tried to do away with Ezio using Just Dance II and the sonic screwdriver. Luckily for Ezio, Rose had accidentally inundated the screwdriver in tangerine juice (she apparently is slightly addicted to tangerines), so he was saved.

Just as Ezio was about to leave, his attention was captured by the entrancing lights and sounds of Just Dance II. It occurred to him that the futuristic technology could have great potential to help Assassins learn more badass, assassin-y skills. So he used Just Dance II to create some new assassin skill that made him look super awesome, and taught them to his assassin recruits and assassin friends.

Meanwhile, Rose and the Doctor were wandering around Rome, seeing the sights, smelling the smells, and generally sticking their noses into business that was not theirs. They discovered that the Borgias were, in fact, not human, but Rexacoricofalapartourian, and immediately decided to rid the planet of them. At that same time, Ezio finished perfecting his new moves, and went to assassinate Cesare Borgia. This proved to be more difficult than he planned (aliens are generally harder to off than humans), so he rallied the Assassins to form an assassin army.

This enraged the Borgias/Rexacoricofalapartourians, especially when they found out that the Doctor and Rose were involved. They tried to stop the Doctor by teleporting the TARDIS into a dark, scary and mildewy dungeon under the castle in hopes that the Doctor wouldn't be able to go through with his plan. Unfortunately for all parties (you'll see why later), Rose was on board the TARDIS when it was teleported.

When he found out that Rose was missing, the Doctor flew into an overprotective boyfriend sort of rage, and vowed to do whatever was necessary to get Rose back. He enlisted Ezio's help (in spite their earlier misunderstanding) to help him become an Assassin. The Doctor was a quick study (being a Time Lord and all), and mastered all of the skills in a matter of hours.

Down in the dark, scary, mildew dungeon, Rose was actively pursuing avenues of escape as well. Then, one of the other prisoners, who wasn't actually a prisoner at all, but a ninja on sabbatical, felt the Bad Wolf presence on Rose and decided to give her ninja lessons. Rose was also a quick study (because of the Bad Wolf), and picked up ninja-ness in a remarkably short amount of time.

Coincidentally, both the Doctor and Rose launched prison escape plans at exactly the same time and met one another in the corridor outside the dark, scary, mildewy prison. Then Rodrigo Borgia came running down the hallway in Rexacoricofalapartourian form and sliced Rose with his claws. This caused the Bad Wolf power to make an appearance, and the Doctor to freak out because he thought that Rose's head was going to explode from all the power. This, thankfully, did not happen and the Bad Wolf killed all the Daleks and turned Rose into a Time Lady so that she and the Doctor could be happy together.

**Gabbi: ***Dreamy romantic sigh*

While everyone else was preoccupied with the Bad Wolf and Daleks and romantic happy endings and such, Ezio and his Assassin army took out Rodrigo and all the remaining Borgias, thus eliminating all psycho, incestuous aliens from Rome.

To celebrate both of these happy endings, the Doctor and Rose threw a gigantic party in the TARDIS, which consisted of a three day long Just Dance II marathon, and enough Mountain Dew to drown an elephant (which is a lot of Mountain Dew).

Several days after the party, the Doctor and Rose discovered that Ezio had left his awesome, white, assassin-y hood in the TARDIS. Thus, Rose and the Doctor decided to become the first time-travelling assassins, got married, and lived happily ever after.

THE END

**A/N: My apologies for the arbitrary capitalization of the word "assassin".**

**Reviews make me a very happy person!**


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